第86章 At Aldbrickham and Elsewhere(2)

'Apart from ourselves,and our unhappy peculiarities,it is foreign to a man's nature to go on loving a person when he is told that he must and shall be that person's lover.There would be a much likelier chance of his doing it if he were told not to love.If the marriage ceremony consisted in an oath and signed contract between the parties to cease loving from that day forward,in consideration of personal possession being given,and to avoid each other's society as much as possible in public,there would be more loving couples than there are now.Fancy the secret meetings between the perjuring husband and wife,the denials of having seen each other,the clambering in at bedroom windows,and the hiding in closets!

There'd be little cooling then.'

'Yes;but admitting this,or something like it,to be true,you are not the only one in the world to see it,dear little Sue.People go on marrying because they can't resist natural forces,although many of them may know perfectly well that they are possibly buying a month's pleasure with a life's discomfort.No doubt my father and mother,and your father and mother,saw it,if they at all resembled us in habits of observation.

But then they went and married just the same,because they had ordinary passions.But you,Sue,are such a phantasmal,bodiless creature,one who -if you'll allow me to say it -has so little animal passion in you,that you can act upon reason in the matter,when we poor unfortunate wretches of grosser substance can't.'

'Well,'she sighed,'you've owned that it would probably end in misery for us.And I am not so exceptional a woman as you think.Fewer women like marriage than you suppose,only they enter into it for the dignity it is assumed to confer,and the social advantages it gains them sometimes -a dignity and an advantage that I am quite willing to do without.'

Jude fell back upon his old complaint -that,intimate as they were,he had never once had from her an honest,candid declaration that she loved or could love him.'I really fear sometimes that you cannot,'

he said,with a dubiousness approaching anger.'And you are so reticent.

I know that women are taught by other women that they must never admit the full truth to a man.But the highest form of affection is based on full sincerity on both sides.Not being men,these women don't know that in looking back on those he has had tender relations with,a man's heart returns closest to her who was the soul of truth in her conduct.The better class of man,even if caught by airy affectations of dodging and parrying,is not retained by them.A Nemesis attends the woman who plays the game of elusiveness too often,in the utter contempt for her that,sooner or later,her old admirers feel;under which they allow her to go unlamented to her grave.'

Sue,who was regarding the distance,had acquired a guilty look;and she suddenly replied in a tragic voice:'I don't think I like you to-day so well as I did,Jude!'

'Don't you?Why?'

'Oh,well -you are not nice -too sermony.Though I suppose Iam so bad and worthless that I deserve the utmost rigour of lecturing!'

'No,you are not bad.You are a dear.But as slippery as an eel when I want to get a confession from you.'

'Oh yes I am bad,and obstinate,and all sorts!It is no use your pretending I am not!People who are good don't want scolding as I do....

But now that I have nobody but you,and nobody to defend me,it is very hard that I mustn't have my own way in deciding how I'll live with you,and whether I'll be married or no!'

'Sue,my own comrade and sweetheart,I don't want to force you either to marry or to do the other thing -of course I don't!It is too wicked of you to be so pettish!Now we won't say any more about it,and go on just the same as we have done;and during the rest of our walk we'll talk of the meadows only,and the floods,and the prospect of the farmers this coming year.'

After this the subject of marriage was not mentioned by them for several days,though living as they were with only a landing between them it was constantly in their minds.Sue was assisting Jude very materially now:he had latterly occupied himself on his own account in working and lettering headstones,which he kept in a little yard at the back of his little house,where in the intervals of domestic duties she marked out the letters full size for him,and blacked them in after he had cut them.

It was a lower class of handicraft than were his former performances as a cathedral mason,and his only patrons were the poor people who lived in his own neighbourhood,and knew what a cheap man this 'Jude Fawley:

Monumental Mason'(as he called himself on his front door)was to employ for the simple memorials they required for their dead.But he seemed more independent than before,and it was the only arrangement under which Sue,who particularly wished to be no burden on him,could render any assistance.

It was an evening at the end of the month,and Jude had just returned home from hearing a lecture on ancient history in the public hall not far off.

When he entered,Sue,who had been keeping indoors during his absence,laid out supper for him.Contrary to custom she did not speak.Jude had taken up some illustrated paper,which he perused till,raising his eyes,he saw that her face was troubled.

'Are you depressed,Sue?'he said.

She paused a moment.'I have a message for you,'she answered.

'Somebody has called?'

'Yes.A woman.'Sue's voice quavered as she spoke,and she suddenly sat down from her preparations,laid her hands in her lap,and looked into the fire.'I don't know whether I did right or not!'she continued.'Isaid you were not at home,and when she said she would wait,I said I thought you might not be able to see her.'

'Why did you say that,dear?I suppose she wanted a headstone.

Was she in mourning?'

'No.She wasn't in mourning,and she didn't want a headstone;and I thought you couldn't see her.'Sue looked critically and imploringly at him.

'But who was she?Didn't she say?'